Throughout my many years in the service industry, I have experienced and seen things that would make most people cry. Whether bad behavior from the staff or irrate, green bean throwing customers. I've seen or heard it all. Hungover employees puking in the trash, check. Pissed off employees rubbing bread on their genatalia before serving it to a customer, check. Customers literally screaming at a manager because their steak wasn't cooked the way they prefer, check. The list goes on and on and on. I take pride in the fact that I have never once compromised someone's health just so I could feel a little better about myself on the inside. However, not everyone in this industry feels the same way I do, and would be more than happy to use your fork to clean grout between the tile flooring, wipe it off, give it to you, and smile from ear to ear when you take a big ole bite of your free house salad, whilst giggling and whispering about what they have done to their fellow co-workers in the wait station. That being said, most people who do things like that don't really last long at any job. They obviously have an attitude problem, let alone any customer service skills. And you can generally only find them in your local chain restaurant that prides itself on serving 2 full grown adults 2 entrees, and a choice of appetizer or dessert all for the low low price of $20. Seriously people, stop eating there. And don't get me started on anywhere that serves a buffet for under $50 a person. I promise you, you don't want to keep visiting that all you can eat salad bar, either. My loathsome feelings for places like that will be addressed in another blog. Back to you and your pube infested dinner rolls. You can't control how other people act (if we could Planned Parenthood and Vegans wouldn't exist). What you can do, however, is control how you act. Your greatest defense against low class hooligans serving you dinner, is yourself. Here, I will show you how to defend against such disgusting practices and also how to have the best dinner service imagineable.
You have to communicate with people to get the results that you want. Whether your siginifcant other, parents, children, co-workers, employees, and most importantly your server/bartender, you must take part in a conversation to explain what it is that you want and the best ways to get it. This is especially important when walking into a restaurant. When you approach the host stand, make sure to smile and actually speak to the host/hostess/maitre'd. When they ask "How are you today?" , the correct response is not "4 for a booth". A number is not a state of being. Being an ass however, is in your tiny little world. Respond in kind and with attentiveness. If you have children, more than likely they are annoying to everyone else in the world but you. If the hubby is parking the car, wait outside and walk in together. Only one person needs to speak with the host staff, not every single one of you. Especially not little Tommy or Sara. Hold back with the kids and let one adult explain your seating requirements to the host staff. Trust me, they will appreciate this. When your table is ready, quickly gather any things you have and follow to your table. Seat quickly, and get out of everyone else's way. Most restrauntuers try and maximize as much space as possible in the dining room, so while your standing, arguing about which seat you want and making up some reason as to why you should have it ("Oh, I'm left handed" or "I cant stand sitting with my back to everyone else"), your blocking a servers path to their table who is waiting for their drinks, or dinner, or your blocking another customer. I can not stand this. When people block the only path that I can take, to whine and cry about seating arrangements, I literally want drag them outside and go all American History X on them, you know the bite-the-curb-and-step-on-their-head part, not the gang-rape-shower-scene part. You are not the only person in this world, and therefore not the most important, so sit the *#@% down!!! Does it really matter what seat your in? Who cares about what's going on in the rest of the dinging room, your supposed to be here to spend time with the people at YOUR table. If you don't like them, don't sit down to eat with them. Moving on, when your overly worked server approaches the table, treat them like a person. I don't understand why people feel the need to speak down or belittle the person who will be handling their food. Do we make a ton of money? Absolutely not. Does that mean that we are useless, inferior beings that should be spat upon and treated like less than the copious amounts of crap in your babies diaper because you suck at life and haven't realized that it needs to be changed? Absolutely not. Some of the smartest people I know work in a restaurant. Some of the dumbest people I know work in a restaurant. But the point of the matter is that we are people. People just like you. So, again, communication, and respect, is key. After their intial pre planned greeting, most servers will ask what you want to drink. This is not politics or brain surgery, an open table discussion is not necessary. If you are not sure, ask for a glass of water. Unless your server is part of the local retard outreach program, they will be back and you can order something else. When the server leaves to fetch your beverages, begin discussing what you want to eat for your first course. If you are at a fine dining establishment, this is generally not necessary as you are all going to eat the same amount of courses. But since most of you prefer Longhorn, there is nothing wrong with sharing appetizers. However, the decisions should be made before the server returns. And only one person needs to order the course, and everyone needs to sit quietly and respectfully. If your on seperate checks, that can be worked out later with the server. (Here's a quick tip, everyone should split the bill evenly, especially if its a group that goes out together alot. Most point of sale systems allow up to 99 credit cards on one bill) Again, respond in kind and with attentiveness and the whole experience will go smoother. Throughout the meal, drinks will be refilled, extra bread will be brought (You know, b/c you just can't live without more of that delicious honey cinnamon butter...fattie), the table will be crumbed, always always always thank whomever is doing these tasks. This isn't high society in the 1500's where the person performing these tasks is an actual slave. Show some gratitude for the work that is being done to make your experience more enjoyable. Now we come to the main course. Your $18 filet is undercooked. OHMYGODITSTHEENDOFTHEWORLD!!!!!!PUTYOURHEADBETWEENYOURLEGSANDKISSYOUR@$$GOODBYE!!RUNAROUNDSCREAMINGLIKEYOURHAIRISONFIRE!!AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted to bitch slap people because the steak they ordered isn't cooked the way they want it and they have a fit. Your fat ass isn't starving. You just ate loaded potato skins with sour cream and the ever important extra cheese, like 4 dinner rolls, a mixed green salad with extra extra ranch, 19 Diet Cokes, and 6 packs of townhouse crackers. Basically, what the entire country of Ethiopia consumes is 3 months. Your fine. The steak will take less than 5 minutes to cook to the correct temperature, and when it does come back to the table you will cover it in A1, take 2 bites, ask for a "doggie bag" and a dessert menu. I. hate. you. Let's dissect this scenario, shall we. First, when you order a steak, there are only 5 temperatures to which you can order it. Rare, Medium Rare, Medium, Medium Well, and Well Done. That's it. There are no inbetween temperatures. Rare to Medium Rare does not exist. If it did, it would have a name. Also, Medium Well means that the center of the steak will be pink. Honestly, if you want something cooked all the way through, order the chicken. Anything over Medium is a waste of a steak. Period. Secondly, pay attention to what you are eating. Eating is a necessity of all life. Shoveling food down your gullet, however, is not. Take a little time and enjoy what you are eating. There is not a single other necessity in life that is so enjoyable. Slow down, take a breath, and enjoy yourself. You can only control how you act. Remember? If you want to eat what's been on the bottom of the line cooks shoes, throw a temper tantrum. If you want to be a respected member of society, aka a normal human adult, kindly ask the server to have them cook your steak a little longer, or if its overcooked ask for a new one altogether. Kindly was the key to that sentence. Act like an ass and you will eat like one. Promise. And can we talk about "doggie bags" for a moment? Its called a "to-go" box. To insinuate that the food we serve is only appropriate for a dog, is quite insulting. Stop acting like some backwoods hillbilly, unless of course you are a backwoods hillbilly in which case you should take up suicide as a hobby. And finally, the industry standard for a tip is 20%. Whether you are at The Dwarf House or Ruby Tuesday or Bacchanalia, it's 20%. Not a penny more, not a penny less. Hope this helps in your day to day dining out. And if you are offended, then stop acting like a total loser at restaurants.
Well said!
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